Category Archives: Journal

Always & Forever

Journal
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Key strokes across the piano softly playing almost whispering the words I wish I could be saying.
I may get beat down but in due time; hopefully I’ll pick it back up and learn to again climb.
Oceans that I have to cross another mountain left to find, either live the life your given or die as if you’d lived blind.
It won’t stop the sadness may not cure the madness but I’ll keep faith through the bad patches.
The mark of a survivor is the scars that have healed sometimes the biggest truth is the pain least revealed.
Feelings out there exposed for all to see, but I’m going out of this the same way I went in just being me.
Life is blessings and bad choices, mistakes, and destiny.
The flowers don’t cry when the rain starts, because they know the sun will come.
Those that leave your side here weren’t worth the ride, if they are they’ll come on back on the other side.
One foot in front of the other until the road leads home, pushing forward but never walking alone.
When the darkness tries to creep in just pull from within;
Often the hardest choice is the right one but you’ve got to chose somewhere to begin.
Each of us has a light that given the chance will burn bright;
you’ve gotta take a stand make the choice to fight.
In your dreams within your heart; the best memories are eternal so we’re never apart.
The pain will come the pain will go, and sometimes you can’t help but let it show.
Our next day never promised but love is forever,
 stronger than steal and endures through any weather.
These words of mine for you when we can no longer be together.

Intrigue

Conspiracy Theory, Journal, , , , , , ,

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Notes: For several years I’ve dug into world conspiracy theories as a hobby. Admittedly not all of them are fact, (however entertaining the idea might be) but shockingly I believe many of them are. This is a short lyrical piece that I wrote regarding chem trails, D.U.M.B.S, and some other popular topics in the community. I encourage everyone to do their own research and come to your own conclusions.

“Intrigue” 

Ice caps melting with little trace of global warming you figure facing death we would heed Mother Natures’s warning. Storms like on this planet never seen before but you better believe they play with H.A.A.R.P continuing to ignore because if it’s one thing those with power want it’s more. Never enough want us to consume pay just to breathe when they trash this planet Mars is open they’ll bio form it jet into space we will be stuck in the toilet watching them leave. Why is the plainest truth the hardest to believe? Could be because they do worse to us than to our worst enemy we could even conceive where they’ll make a hopeful future for the poor something impossible to achieve. Real truth isn’t always buried in books, sometimes you gotta get out there in the world actually take the world around you just look. Threat levels that initiate confusion added to the 911 lies media propagated delusion any attempt to escape the iron grip on your perception perceived as an intrusion.

Went from foster homes and no hope to thousands stacked against cellular phones. No trace satellite when the digits gotta go out but escape the heat of day light most don’t get to see it before the ignition goes that bright. Drones above cause the United States is becoming too coward to fight. Embarrassed of my parents more on in particular I’d rather walk than be caught dead with her in the car, but at that day and age I never was going that far. Walked more miles than most could ever hope to see, but that’s not braggin I’m all for you being you and I’ll be me for the moment this is still a country where we can pretend we are free. Talkin about a prison state your living in it already and a reluctance to vote might have just help create what will one day be the destruction of your fate it’ll be the moment you here the slam of the FEMA locked gate. Call is conspiracy ignore the coffins but when I see it starting to jump off better believe I’m underground already gone.

The Ways Of Men

Article, Journal

schindlerslist1The ways we go again oh the ways of men
to commit one thing by paper the lies we reep by pen.
Not so different this time around as it was back then.
Promises made when a world wiped away the tears
money always an object controlled population by fears.
The wrath of god is greater than any of your wildest dreams
machavelian notions to plot, control, enslave, scheme.

Written By: “dr John”
Inspired By: Schiendlers List Soundtrack (accustic)

A friend asked me to explain every line of what this meant to me. Here is my reply. :

Continue reading →

Paper Lace

Journal, , , , , , ,

Image“PAPER LACE”

Paper lace and twisted thoughts how come I came to remember you when I’d almost forgot. The steps that lead to your abyss linger like the perfect first kiss. The wrapping in getting trapped in a game your not trying to play that spins a silent web against the words and promises you say. Front porch swings and night laughter when a happier life was all either of us was after. Love the way you make things brighter for tomorrow, just to flood the flowers with tears drowning them in sorrow. I can’t blame you because I’d rather see you smile as long as it might come to one day last awhile. Petal that blue bike to where smiles might grace your face, and even if for a moment you’d find your happy place. Too many scars I wonder if you can truly love again, because the first step is embracing that which lies within but you’ve got to find compromise, then place to begin.

I light up a ciggarett thankful I’m down to less than a quarter pack a day, I know you’d hate I still enjoy them but it’s better this way. I truly cry to see your sadness grow but I don’t know what to do when you drift that low. I miss the smell of your hair your the laughter you bring like the secret moments on your piano where I’d hear you sing. All I know is wherever the wind takes you you’ll grace the life of others and I’ll be happy if your content even if we aren’t with each other. You gotta know if you weren’t a lover I always wanted you as a friend; I will be here for you until our end. Happiness and comfort is the only message that I wish to send. Against the ropes I will continue to hope for the best I’ll never break even though I might bend because that’s my definition of a best friend. Yea, and you probably knew that I’d write about this heart ache that was somewhat expected which is what prevented it from being a heart break.
Wish the colors of your living room walls wouldn’t so closely resemble the shade of your heart just to know the tear drops fill the pillow at night breaks my heart. I take time to think of you from time to time, but I’ve felt inside for a while that you could never again be “mine”. Hope your faith leads you to a road that’s meant to be so you can break away from the depression and hurt and finally be free. Your ex is a coward who can’t appreciate the gift that children are. One day his absence will form on his soul like a scar because anything you truly love can’t be loved from afar. I wish you joy, I wish you laughter, I’d do anything to grace your life with the ability to more than try because I hate to think that some one as great as you just gets by. A promised life that you can’t see ruined by the wrong guy.
I cry when you cry I wish you could see
your way to break the chains and just be free.
An amazing woman brought to her knees by an un-certain future she can’t see.
One day it’ll come she’ll be happier than you or me.
It’s not luck it’s just her destiny. 
Sits by the fire place in her back yard bricks make the light glow on her face. She’s searching for a love she’s never truly had so she can’t seem to replace. It’s been a couple happy times mixed with lonely days. Does her 9-5 with a faked smiles trying to go through the paces. Wonder if anyone knows her pain when they look on her face. She’s a stranger in a room full of familiar people that don’t know the real her inside, because her heart is black and is slowly starting to die. She thinks about the past and her problems and they seem to multiply. I try to send doves of happiness but that can’t beat the speed of the tears she’s come to cry despite their wings and ability to fly. Darkness contains her pain happy times come with the sleep and the rain, but inside she just wants to love again. Feel okay know she’s alright have someone to hold her through the night. Then she’d know at least for a moment that every thing will be; …. alright.

Impact

Journal, Lyrics/Poetry, , ,
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Intro:  He drags his feet when he walks sometimes overcome by too many thoughts. People sometimes seem like ghosts from a time gone past, and he can’t remember when they saw each other last. A couple pots of coffee a day the feeling has started not to last, and he knows the onset could come fast. Tears fall when he thinks about the day when the music might fade away when the vision might blur or disappear into a fog of grey. Memories these days are a tricky then but none were ever all that good, so possibly it’s caused a little less sadness than it should. Nearly ever promise that’s ever been taken to heart has been been revoked or pulled apart. A lit cigarette in an ashtray that he let’s burn with everything taking him down cancer is his last concern. People cause others so much sadness he wonders when they’ll learn, but inside a quiet pain remains that continues to burn. ~
“Impact”
The weakness sets in the vision could go soon, I’ve never felt more alone in this ever shrinking room. I’m more tired than words can express but I just woke up at noon. Guess it’s true what they say you can’t know until your there and the scariest rides when you don’t know where. Fear of a loss of control over things that seem so basic, an illness you can’t stop makes it harder to face it. Having it come on and retract seems like it’s just taunting you to the severity it could impact. I admit tearful times alone when I don’t know what to do or how to react.
Staring at this cowards exit that could be mine nothing seemed more selfish or less divine  Even though the pain and tears might leave me more inclined, when remembering me I wouldn’t wan’t that to be the last of which I’d be defined. Where everything once made since I’ve never felt so blind. Looking up towards the heavens patiently waiting until I see a sign. Standing out letting it sink on in thousands of miles to go where do I begin.Took such pleasure in making you smile I can’t make you cry even if it would be only last awhile.
The exit would explode my sadness a relief or final act of madness. Walking with Angels I feel them pulling me back. They’ve walked along since I was little often too quick to react.  Hours contemplating a finish to this race called life,  just to bounce back that the impact to you wouldn’t be right. I wish I could sleep tonight. The end has rarely scared me I’d rather that than remain this way.
I try as hard as I can not to run towards that day.
I’m tired from a war that wages on my heart and mind.
For now I’ll take it in stride be things as they may.

Author notes:

Didn’t turn out anything near what I wanted so I nearly scrapped it.  Written to: Matchbox 20 “HANG”

(My favorite MB20 Song BTW)

Black Sky

Journal, Lyrics/Poetry

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Intro:
 
Clouds hold pictures of your beautiful face, fought hard for a year but I have to take time away for a love I know I can never replace.
Dam it was easy for you to move on to the next horse in the race guess it just took another jockey to run in my place.
I hold no grudges I’m not even mad, because your definition of love and forever is just kind of sad, and when you do it to the next for him I’ll feel kind of bad.
No worries you do you, and I’ll do me whatever will be will be but a year later I proved the words I spoke no all that’s left is to shatter this heart so my love I can revoke.
When I dream I still have days where I see your smile, and I hold on so they can last a while.
Looking back it’ll be a summer of love I’ll never forget, I just hope I can one day be one I don’t hold with such regret.
I travel back often in my minds eye but the vists are costly and the pain multiplies. 
How can the best also contain the worst? How can I be flooded with an ocean of love just to be left with thirst?
 
“Black Sky”
Riding with a setting sun on my back spent some time down in Texas near the Gulf Of Mexico I’m glad to be back. Another state fades in the rear view mirror just needed a couple months to get my head clear. Lost all I loved and held dear I’m a step away from death there is nothing left to fear. Loved the time in loving you it made the trip worth it, but now I can safely say the damages were too much to pull through. Caught in evaporated love not quite sure what to do, but I’ll remember it wasn’t loves fault it was my believing in you. None of that matters the time has passed now it’s all layed out like a million pieces of shattered glass.
Lies against the pain, skin against the rain, it’s hard enough these days just to maintain. Everything these days the consequence of allowing you like a virus to enter my heart and brain. Believed the words you’d say while passions ran hot in that month of May, only someone with no heart could be as good at you at turning blue sky’s grey filled my with nothing more than questions and dismay.  Love that became a mistake but you can’t pretend you didn’t know the stakes just wish I coulda pegged you as just another fake. This time it was more than I can take. Waited around a full year in just about the same place just to see if you’d return for a face to face. I embrace the Black Sky as it rolls in for a final coming I’ll simply raise a middle finger as my final goodbye.
Note From Author: Thank you for the best summer of my life, and the inspiration for so much of what I’ve written over the last year. I wish you all the best in the future wherever it takes you. Truly & Sincerely – All my best Always.

This Life

Journal

“This Life”

Intro:

ImageCan’t hear you speaking while your breathing lies the streets of loneliness are cold when love dies. Had it broken apart so many times wonder why I still try maybe cause I’ll search for my soul mate until the day I die.  A room with the door shut and the lights down low because in truth you can’t see where your about to go you know in many aspects that’d just make you a hoe and you threw away love you can’t take feeling that low. Truth in lyrics the fields that I sow comfortable with the accusation knowing what I know the things in places your too afraid to show.   Memories wash away as I realize it was lies check back a few weeks ago when I wrote “I can no longer cry”, this Earth is bare of true loyal friends that’s why it’s easy to spin LiL Wayne I feel like dyeing. and in truth when ever we speak those feelings just keep multiplying. A pursuit of another life but I keep on trying.

(1)

ImageBack to this again a place where the only tears I can cry fall out of my pen. I wonder if the hurt I feel now is the same as it was way back when I can’t remember because I swore I’d never bring those days back again. Sometimes it’s not even the love being gone I miss it’s the time wasted that I chose to spend broken against the moments where you couldn’t take the pressure to bend. Now things are gone too far there is no chance to mend we can’t even end things and be friends.  The lines on the road all blur I turn up the radio, but inside all I think about is her. I push down on the pedal wishing I would explode into a pool of molten metal. You can read this and move on just thinking I’m mental but this is the life I live with daily finding peace is increasingly problemental .

(2)

Take a journey with me in these dreams of mine where promises are kept dreams come true and we live in paradise until the end of time.  Spin up the past sum it up real fast age 4 mom held a gun to my head and threatened to blast. Few years later got taken outta class when they found out about what was going on at home I was gone real fast. Missed my father so I wouldn’t sign adoption papers, to the disapproval of my foster parents and the shock of the neighbors. Back home I went  a couple of years I spend fourteen years old I began to work and pay rent saw my mom remembered the abuse and told her fuck off and get bent. One day the cops knocked on the door thought they were there to take my psychotic mother but she had something else in store. Hands placed in cuffs as I pled for help from my sister that my mother adored she lied and backed my mom and my mouth hit the floor. Placing me in juvenile hall for false charges made me easier to ignore. I spent the rest of my childhood there and didn’t see anything resembling a real life anymore. These are the pages of this life I’ve lived the love and humanity this world has chosen to give. Brain is a mess think I have abandonment issues, but I’m no angel so feel free to drop the box of tissues. The older I grow the more of my past comes out and I begin to show. I am the hatred and pain my family planted and like a plant out of control I grow.

Avant que je ne parte

Journal, Lyrics/Poetry

Born and left for another to raise an abandoned seed that never forgot I question even without the years of beatings if I ever could have been saved. Was it all just a straight lined journey to see an early grave? When I approach the gates of heaven I just hope some of my prayers where heard and he knows my name. I searched for true friends and loved ones, but honestly in the end only a few survive while all the rest like clones act the same. Mortal objects more possessions doesn’t interest me anymore because I woke up long ago that they are earthly infatuations that I chose to ignore. Journals with lyrics containing the tears of my life from a murdered father to a failed marriage and losing a best friend the same day as a ex-wife. It’s just another reason to not want to awake to another day of this life.

He said to envision the future I wanted to come into my vision. Push past the pain run faster than the clouds to escape the rain. Lessons learned engraved into my mind into my blood burned. My final judge will be met on my way home one comfort is upon my arrival he’ll be there along with other friends I’ve lost along the way I’ll no longer be alone. I know anything has to be better than this life I’ve been shown. Not like we had a choice, but had it been presented I wouldn’t have ever come down had I known.

Halls filled inside creating portions of insanity but I know true freedom comes from more than walls we might see. Wasted too much time even though more than once I’ve laid my life on the line. Even for you or does enlisting not count? I never wanted to come back, but I was the broken ball they chose to re-bound. I was already damaged pulled I believe from life’s lost & found. I’ll be resting easier only once I’m back in ground. I’ve got real odds that say real love is one out of a million where you’ve got to weed out the lies. It’s not who’s there when you’re smiling but the one that sticks around for the times you cry. Hopefully share a life together full of truth and honesty until the day you die. Reasons left to stay are diminished so I’m left asking why.

Sent into the wild ride away from the flames others choke on the lies they tell convicts in gods prison where he knows all their names. Prepared for death or war whichever comes first fed from the passion within escape, evade, and survive while I never thirst.  Knew the day would come when lies would be spread prepared in kind knowing the end game is my removal from this life where I’d be better off dead. I pray at night before I wake lift it up just in case I stop breathing so my soul he can take. Vows to a higher power keeping the promises to him I make. The misery of my adolescents weighs so heavy that the pressure I can barely take another ounce may be too much, I fear I’d break. It was never a game in loving you, but it felt like death when it was through. Now not even in a position to help or find a better outcome I’m left with few options don’t know what to do.

Welcome To Detroit

Journal, Lyrics/Poetry

Blurred lines of highway stretching to Motor City I watched as the Detroit lines faded; inside I was heartbroken and jaded. Looked ahead to a road full of broken promises in a moment of lost clarity I’d created. Tears fell down like a waterfall I tossed away my phone with no one left to call. I’d already hit rock bottom (or so I thought) so I didn’t expect there was so far to fall.

I wish I could take away the pain but all I can do is promise that it can’t always rain. I’ve held out to catch the tears before they fall but right now I don’t feel as though I can do anything at all. Days they come and go no matter what anyone says the future can’t be told and not anything is promised not even the ability to grow old. The streets are absent friendly faces the sun rarely shines, and I’ve never felt so cold.

Came to you at the end of the road and a life full of regret a beautiful picture but all the same a fading sunset. You’re the best part of a story gone wrong and it’s clear that you’ll be better off when this chapter ends with me gone. Despite what some may say about the decision I know it isn’t wrong. I may not have written the beginning, but I can choose the ending of my life’s song. This is not my home it is not where I belong.

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